I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
