is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize