You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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