you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
