They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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