Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Shame - the story of my life.
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