The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
How's work?
Spinning.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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