We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
