I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
