Tell her she can't have a vagina
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
