I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
