I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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