If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
