exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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