she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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