If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
