just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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