you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
