I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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