I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize