I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
