I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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