Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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