at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
