I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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