erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
