Little spoons don't ask big questions
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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