I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
