My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize