I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
