"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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