New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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