just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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