The maid of honor just puked.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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