i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
