I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
