why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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