Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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