Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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