My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
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