Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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