there's paper in my vomit.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
