Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
