After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
