We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
