Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
