Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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