so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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