Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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