she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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