I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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