I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
