he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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