He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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