god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
