Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
