I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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