My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
